Children, Marriage, and Date Nights

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Children, Marriage, and Date Nights

Ah, yes...the weekly date controversy!

My husband and I began to wonder if perhaps something was wrong with us because we had no great urge to dump our kids with a babysitter so that we could run off and do something without them. Maybe we were simply enjoying our children too much--and could this be detrimental to our marriage, as all the popular "wisdom" seemed to indicate? We questioned the advice that frequent time without the children was necessary for a healthy marriage since our parents had never had weekly date nights. Their marriages had certainly stood the test of time. My parents are completely devoted to one another...consider one another best friends...pray with each other daily...and still make "goo-goo eyes" at each other (as we used to laughingly say when we were kids).

<<One thing is that we share the values that make us believe it would not be right for our "dates" to come at the expense of our children's peace of mind.>>

Excellent point. I have heard it said that tiny babies will supposedly not mind being separated from their parents if the parents are off enjoying each others' company. Somehow I don't believe that advice--perhaps because I have babysat a few times for babies and toddlers whose parents were having their "date night". I don't think the little ones cared where Mommy was or who she was with--all they knew is that Mommy was *gone* and they wanted her back.

<<Another thing is that we are both sensitive to catching moments of togetherness as they come up. And if our kids catch us kissing in the kitchen--well, I hope they will see that marriage is fun! >>

Another excellent point. At this stage, my husband and I are enjoying "our night" each week. We stay home, but put most of the children to bed early so that we can enjoy a block of uninterrupted, private time. We've done all sorts of stuff, from listening to various lectures on tape, to studying some theological point, to discussing interesting topics, to eating ice cream and snuggling on the couch and just being together. Maybe we're just homebodies, but we find our night at home much more meaningful and cozy than an evening out could possibly be.

One of the things that I hope our children will learn from our example is that the marriage relationship is not some entity to itself, completely separate from the rest of the family. We have found that the blessing of each additional child has added something sweet and precious to our marriage and to our family. We have no desire to try to recapture our lives before children--to us, that would seem as silly as attempting to recapture some aspect of our lives before marriage.

And, yes, our children do catch us kissing in the kitchen. Sometimes they will come running to get in on the cuddling. Our oldest will usually make some sort of comment about how "mushy" we're being and pretend to find our affectionate display a bit disgusting. Sometimes we'll quickly start kissing and hugging him, despite his giggly protests. Other times we'll agree, with feigned seriousness, that kissing each other is rather mushy...and we'll sigh as if we'd rather *not* kiss but feel compelled to do so. That usually gets a few giggles too...

<<And as a sidenote to all those couples that say they never leave their children--what about your anniversary? Do you at least spend some time together without the kids?>>

I didn't say I *never* leave the children...my concern was the advice that, in order to maintain a good marriage, we should leave our children for weekly date nights. My husband and I just celebrated our anniversary. Yes, we did leave the children at home in order to go out to dinner. (Our youngest is nine months old.) However, we found ourselves fondly reminiscing over our first anniversary, when my husband cooked a delicious multi-course dinner and I nursed our brand new baby. We thought our son was the best anniversary gift ever!

Every once in a great while (the last time was the weekend before Mother's Day) I ask for a "day off", when I can go somewhere and indulge myself. My favorite thing to do is browse the used bookstores in a town a little bit up the coast from us...visit the cute little coffeehouses...walk into stores selling delicate china without watching the owner's eyes bug out in fear and horror as he counts the little ones following me (I've had many store owners tell me, "I would welcome children here if they all behaved like yours", but I still don't like making people nervous! <g> ) Then I find myself completely refreshed, with my "mothering batteries" restored. The last two times I did this, I wasn't completely alone, since I had a little baby with me. But, tiny babies are no trouble at all and are such delightful little companions! I think that mothers who spend all day long with their children, day in and day out, do sometimes need a break, a time when they can go "off duty". Some couples that I know believe that "mom alone time" is far more important for the family's health than "couple alone time".

I think that time alone, as a couple or as an individual, needs to be balanced with the needs of the family and should not come at the expense of others. I also don't think you need to leave the house or hire babysitters in order to carve out that time. But sometimes it is nice to get away...

Val, you made an excellent point about marriage not being some sort of living organism/separate entity. I can't help but think of all the titles of articles and seminars I have seen--does Scripture admonish us to "preserve our marriage" or "maintain our marriage" (makes me think of someone crawling around under a car, replacing the oil gasket) or "put our marriage first"? I think that, if we focused on the Lord and on loving and treating our spouses in a manner obedient to Scripture, that we wouldn't need to worry about our marriages so much. (Along those lines, I would highly, highly recommend a book called "Reforming Marriage" by Douglas Wilson.)

I remember reading one article about how important it was for married couples to examine and discuss their relationship with each other. That seemed simply too introspective--even for me! Frankly, my husband and I found the prospect of probing and analyzing our marriage a bit tedious and boring. (Recently we stayed up until 1:00 discussing various theological points, so it's not like we aren't communicating!)

We aren't the only couple who thinks that the blessing of children has had a wonderful positive impact on our marriage. Doesn't that make sense? Would the Lord declare children a blessing if they really weren't?

UPDATE: A marriage, like any relationship, goes through different seasons. Our families go through different seasons, so it should come as no surprise that my husband and I are entering a new, very different season. For the first time since 3 months after we were married, I am neither pregnant nor nursing. Our baby will soon be three years old. Many had warned us, over the years, of "putting our marriage on the back burner". Did we do so? I'm still now sure. However, we have discovered, perhaps because we were practicing being unselfish (as much as we could, being flawed human beings) and because we were united in our efforts not to allow our desires to dominate our family, in an ungodly way, that there is a special joy in this new season of our marriage. We've even done some date nights---not because we believe they are necessary, but just for fun. We are becoming so mushy-gushy with each other that the children are laughing at us. In many ways, we are reaping the wonderful rewards of pouring out our lives on our children. Children truly are a blessing---and it is the marriage relationship that reaps much of that blessing.

To those still in the season of babies (and I recognize that season may return at any time for me) I would encourage you: don't buy into the popular "wisdom" that pits your relationship with your husband against your relationship with your children. It is in learning to serve your children as a godly mother that you will discover a measure of love for them, for your husband, and even for God, that you never thought possible. No matter how difficult the baby season may get at times, no matter how spent and exhausted you might feel, no matter how much you may long for rescue from the mountains of diapers and laundry, no matter how much you may dream of romance---this season is worth it. All the love you give, every nose you wipe, every precious nursing and cuddling time, all the midnight feedings and lost hours of sleep---it's worth it all, every moment.

And date nights can wait. They become all the sweeter for the waiting...or all the more amusing for their unimportance.

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