Feel right---act right?

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Feel Right---Act Right?

>"Because your child feels right, he is more likely to act right. The child
>who operates from this inner feeling of rightness is more likely to develop
>a healthy conscience." No Scripture is given to support his hypothesis,
>because such support does not come from God's Word.

Well, that's true. Frankly, I struggled with the "feel right--act right" thing as well. How could a Christian author write this and what did he mean? But I've come to the conclusion that this isn't presenting some great spiritual truth or claiming that if our children feel right, they will become perfect beings and will earn their way into heaven or anything so ridiculous. What it is saying is something that all astute mothers eventually notice:

1. Don't take a hungry, tired toddler to the grocery store or he'll act up. But, if he's fed and rested (feels good) his behavior will be much better.

2. Don't expect a baby who is sick to act as content as a baby who feels "right".

3. When your toddler gets his feelings hurt, he may act up.

4. Children who are secure in the love of their families act better than children who aren't. (Isn't this the supposed magic behind "couch time"? Why else are they so zealous in pushing it as the solution to all childhood ills---unless they believe it's some sort of new sacrament?)

5. Don't confess to your husband that you just spent big bucks on a dress the moment he comes in from work, hungry, tired, and irritable. He may just say something he'll later regret. Save your confession for after dessert, when he's feeling better and he might be able to say calmly, "It's lovely, dear, but you are so beautiful that you don't need expensive dresses. Please return it at once."

Bottom line: long before Dr. Sears was born, my grandmother believed that if a mother could just discover what "makes her children tick" that she could learn how to "provoke them to good works". I think she operated, to a great deal, on helping them "feel right". Her methods at times were hardly AP and were certainly not driven by secular humanism. She was also strict, very much so, and had a better understanding of some of her daughters than of others. But she learned that a lot of ill behavior is simply because the child didn't feel right--physically or emotionally or spiritually--and that a wise mother would prevent some sorts of situations. Goes along with not provoking a child to wrath. In other cases, only God could help.

Is it Scriptural? Sure. The Golden Rule comes to mind. "Not provoking" comes to mind. So does I Corinthians 13 and all sorts of other passages. Do they talk about "feeling right" leading to good behavior? No, but they talk about treating others in such a way that they will "feel right". (Not in so many words, of course. Guess I'm prooftexting.<g>)

Does this mean we focus on feelings and try to bribe our children into good behavior? No, because bribes and other forms of rotten parenting hardly leave our children feeling "right". It just makes them feel worse. Besides, it's ungodly.

And, at the same time, we have to remember that all the "right feeling" in the world won't extinguish the sin nature of our children. Only in Christ can we find forgiveness of sins, a new nature, and glorious FREEDOM!!

A funny story that kinda illustrates part of what I'm trying to say. When one of our boys was about 3 years old, we used to drive way out in the sticks for piano lessons. We discovered that a cow had died by the side of the road and the rancher, unconcerned (and snickering at us for being concerned) left the carcass there for weeks, months...it seemed like forever. Every time we would pass, the children would make some sort of comments. One day, the 3 year old was trying to express his feelings about the dead cow.

"Mama," he said very seriously. "I don't like the dead cow. When I look at it, it makes me feel..." he searched and searched for the right word. "It makes me feel guilty."

We talked a bit more and I realized what he meant. That awful sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when something is really yucky---that's the feeling kids get when they feel guilty! So we talked a bit about guilt and he understood that he didn't need to feel guilty about the dead cow, since he hadn't done anything wrong. He puzzled a bit more and then said:

"Mama, when I see the dead cow, I feel...I feel...like a dead cow!"

UPDATE: The dead cow was eventually removed.

THE REAL UPDATE: The same grandmother who believed in motivating her children to good works also believed that being sick or feeling out of sorts was no excuse for sin---for those old enough to be well capable of self-control. At the same time, she believed in extending grace to those who were not "feeling right". Certainly our feelings should not be what motivates us to obedience or good works. Some of us who have had baby after baby admit that we've spent years of our lives not quite "feeling right", between months of horrible morning sickness and emotional upheaval and then months of poor sleep caused by various pregnancy discomforts. It is Christ in us that equips and motivates us to follow Him. He is, ultimately the basis of our "thinking right", "behaving right", "living right", and "feeling right"---in spite of circumstances. It is also Christ in us who motivates us to behave with compassion towards our children. And that's what helping them "feel right" is all about.

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