The Helpless Parent Syndrome
by Rebecca Prewett
Those suffering from the Helpless Parent Syndrome are not bad parents or uncaring parents; they just need help. Often they are mistaken for permissive parents. The results may look the same to an outsider--a misbehaving child. The difference is that helpless parents do not permit the behavior in question; they are helpless to stop it.
The symptoms are characteristic: the child is unruly and/or does things the parents clearly wishes he wouldn't. The parent shrugs helplessly and may make statements such as, "Well, my child insisted...." or "I don't know how to stop him" or "We've tried everything and nothing works with this child" or "I wish I could get him to..." or "That's just the way he is."
I think there are four main causes for the Helpless Parent
Syndrome.
1. Helpless parents may have an unrealistic and unbiblical parenting philosophy.
For example, some parents believe, "Big people shouldn't force their will on little people." A mother who held to this philosophy once visited our home with her toddler. When it was time to leave, he clearly wasn't interested. She didn't think she could just announce, "It's time to go bye-bye" and scoop him up in her arms as she made her exit. No, that would be forcing her will on his. So, she spent over half an hour trying to convince him that he really wanted to leave. I watched this in complete amazement. Even more amazed were my children, who found the whole scene rather exhausting and bewildering. ("If she really wanted him to leave, why didn't she say so? Why didn't she just carry him out to the car?" they asked me later.)
Other parents believe that children possess some innate wisdom that is lost with age. Thus, they will allow their children to make all sorts of decisions--and these decisions will often lead to conflict and frustration.
Yet other parents believe that, under proper management, every annoying aspect of childhood can be virtually eliminated. These parents become helpless when they feel incapable of discovering or implementing the "perfect method".
There are any number of unrealistic philosophies out there that can create an attitude of helplessness on the part of parents.
2. Helpless parents may lack "tools".
The lack of these tools can be seen in a lack of experience with children, lack of extended family, lack of mentors--godly older mothers and fathers, lack of sound Biblical teaching, or lack of discernment in weeding out good baby advice from bad baby advice.
One mother told me, "My baby was the first baby I'd ever held. My husband and I were clueless. I felt as if we were drowning. We never knew what to do or where to turn."
Another mother said, "I didn't even know the Bible had anything to say about parents and children. Plus, we both thought raising them was my job, not my husband's."
A father said, "I couldn't find a good example of a father anywhere. My own father was an unbeliever and made a lot of mistakes with us. The fathers in our church seemed uninterested and detached from their children. I just needed someone to come alongside me and disciple me."
3. Helpless parents may lack insight about their own child.
One mother said, "I just can't figure out this kid. He's not like anyone else I know." Many other parents echo the same sentiment. Sometimes these parents do not understand how to get to know their child on a deep level.
This is often a problem of "Dr. Oracle" parents, when the child doesn't "fit the mold" and doesn't respond as the method claimed he would. Those who follow a Dr. Oracle risk the danger of studying the method rather than the child and are thus helpless in those areas not addressed by the method. Sometimes these parents go so far in their attempt to follow a method that they create problems where none exist. One inexperienced mother presented the following "problem" to her Dr. Oracle: "My baby wakes up from her nap and plays happily in her crib. I don't know what to do. Should I let her play? Isn't that sending her a wrong message?"
4. Helpless parents may have a wrong perspective about the nature of children in general.
Some parents believe that their children are innately good. Then, in the face of the child's misbehavior and sin, the parents become shocked, disappointed, and helpless. Other parents, however, so stress the depravity of their children that they feel helpless to stop any misbehavior at all.
"He's just got a very dark, black heart," one mother said about her young boy. Another mother said, "We knew he was rotten from the day he was born."
Over-emphasizing either the good or evil nature of children can result in unrealistic expectations. However, over-emphasizing the sin nature of children can have worse results, as the parent may eventually give up and fully expect the child to live up to his "rotten to the core" nature.
How not to help the Helpless Parent
Former Helpless Parents have told me that they were not helped by people saying things such as:
"What that kid needs is a sound thrashing." To may helpless parents, this sounds like an angry, even hateful, outburst. It's also possible that they have already tried the "sound thrashing" to no avail.
"Can't you handle him?" Obviously, no...
"You ought to put him in preschool." One mother told me that this suggestion gave her nightmares about her unruly child terrorizing an entire preschool. Plus, preschool wouldn't help her learn how to teach and train her child.
"My kids never behaved that way."
"You always were a pushover."
"Maybe you should get a job and get out of the house."
"How do we get our children to sit still in church? I don't know. They just do". I confess. I said this once to a mother who was practically begging me for help. This sort of brushoff is unconscionable. A humble reply offering practical suggestions and even direct aid was what this mother needed.
"Here--you need to read Dr. Oracle's book." I'm all for books. Some people have had their lives turned around by the right book at the right time. However, the wrong book can perpetuate the Helpless Parent cycle or even create a new cycle. Some mothers initially latch onto a Dr. Oracle because he has an answer for everything...or so it seems. As one mother describes, "I found I couldn't make a move without consulting Dr. Oracle or my friends who had all his books. We actually used to read whole paragraphs and pages to each other over the phone. Once, when I was really desperate, my mother made a suggestion and I almost snapped at her because I wasn't sure Dr. Oracle would approve. She tried to tell me that her suggestion had worked beautifully with us kids, but I wouldn't listen. My mother finally got through to me when she said, 'Honey, Dr. Oracle doesn't even know you or your family. I do.'"
How to help the Helpless Parent
The real solution, in my opinion, is a simple one found in the Bible. The only effective and godly way to help the Helpless Parent is through prayer, sound Biblical teaching, and discipleship. When I say "discipleship", I'm not referring to some massive structured program that establishes selectively trained people as small group leaders, peer counselors, "under-shepherds", "shepherding moms", lay ministers, or "contact moms". I'm referring to Titus 2:3-5.
The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
This does not mean we must rush out and erect yet another church "program" or "ministry" or "organization". This is not the intent of these verses. (Lest someone think I'm ignoring fathers, I would hasten to add that there are a number of verses that speak of discipleship with the understanding that young men are to be discipled by older men.)
I believe that the following is the only solution that, when properly implemented, will "cure" the basic causes of Helpless Parent Syndrome.
1. Sound Biblical teaching from the pulpit will help parents establish a Biblical worldview and formulate a godly vision for their families. I believe strongly in the necessity of expository preaching. This presents the whole counsel of God, thus avoiding prooftexting (pulling verses out of context and/or reading meanings into them never intended by God or the original human authors) and overemphasizing certain teachings to the detriment of others. Topical preaching too often falls far short in teaching Christians how to think Biblically and how to be discerning whether teaching is truly Biblically-based or merely purports to be.Needless to say, this teaching must be presented with a godly attitude and with much prayer.
2. Godly older women will provide less experienced mothers with much of the tools they need. The younger women can benefit from: wisdom gleaned from personal experience, encouragement to turn to extended family for help (or, if need be, a stand-in for the missing family members), teaching in practical skills, and help in applying the Word of God within the family--all in the context of sisterly love and edification.
3. The godly older women will teach the less experienced mothers how to love their children. This cannot be taught out of a manual, as a formula, or as a set of steps--and wise mothers know this. To love your child you must first know him. (Of course we love our children in the womb, but that love is but a foreshadowing of the love that grows out of our relationship with our children. Further, we are talking about Biblical love, about love in action, about 1 Corinthians 13 love. This love demands that we must seek to know and understand the recipient of that love.) There is a reasons that we are so fascinated with our newborns, studying each feature, each movement, each expression with a longing intensity. Who is this little one that God has entrusted in our care? we wonder.
Unfortunately, we don't always continue to study our children as they grow older. "Make your children the object of your most careful study," was the advice passed on to me. Sometimes, older mothers have had insights into my children that I lacked. They have been able to encourage me in a deeper understanding of my children.
There is, of course, more to loving our children than just knowing them. Godly older mothers can teach us how to love our children. Not only can we learn many practical aspects of infant care, but we can learn how to approach that care from a godly perspective. Are we willing to die to self as we serve Christ by serving our children? The examples of godly older women can convict, inspire, and teach us.
Followers of a Dr. Oracle need to be careful to find and listen to godly mentors who do not subscribe to Dr. Oracle. Unfortunately, may of these parents are unwilling to do this as they are only interested in the Dr. Oracle approved answer or the packaged method as opposed to the godly wisdom and experience of others. Even more unfortunately, some Oracles strongly advise parents not to seek any counsel from non-Oracles and to discard conflicting advice as "humanistic", "ungodly", "backwards", "unenlightened", etc. In the most extreme cases, Oracles go so far as to insist that mothers bypass any Titus Two sort of relationship within the church and consult only Oracle approved leaders--even if this meant that older mothers with two or more children were actually expected to seek counsel from much younger, less experienced mothers. This seems an upside down and backwards version of Titus 2:3-5.
"Help! How do I find a Titus Two woman?"
That subject demands another article in itself. The short answer is to seek a godly older woman who loves the Lord, loves her husband, and loves her children. Find a mother who has gone the distance and who considers her children a blessing from God. Find a mother whose children are so terrific that you want you children to be like that someday. Find a woman of integrity and honesty, whose behavior is holy...a woman who is already living what you want to learn. The search process takes time. You probably won't find the One Perfect Woman. I have been blessed by a number of Titus Two relationships over the years, some of which caught me by surprise.
"Help! I'm a Helpless Parent!"
Welcome to fatherhood and motherhood. A certain degree of helplessness goes with the territory.
Within days after the birth of my fifth child, I felt overwhelmed and helpless. It wasn't because of him--he was a ridiculously easy baby who spent most of his time sleeping peacefully and hardly causing a ripple in our household routine. It wasn't the other children--our home life always seems at its most peaceful when there is a newborn in the house. What overwhelmed me was the enormity of the responsibility God had given my husband and me: he had entrusted five lives into our care. Wow! Did I ever feel small and helpless...
Our strength and wisdom as parents comes from the Lord. Without Him, we are worse than helpless. We are nothing. Realizing that sends us back to Him on a daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute basis.
Of far more concern to me are parents who are over-confident, who pat themselves on the back, who claim to have "this parenting thing down cold" and brag about what a "good parent" they are. "I know I won't have to worry about problems like teenage rebellion," a first-time mother with a baby told me. She based this on the fact that her baby was on a routine and had slept through the night at six weeks of age. Another mother wrote in an online forum, "I'm one heck of a good mother." Her baby was about a year old. These mothers were just getting started--did they even have an inkling of the task that lay ahead of them? Most troubling to me is that their confidence was in themselves or in a method, not in the Lord. In fact, neither of these mothers--nor the many other over-confident parents I've heard--mention trusting in God or relying on Him for strength and wisdom.
Yes, we are helpless. We cannot save ourselves or our children. But God is faithful. He will equip us to do what He has called us to do.
Conclusion
I cannot emphasize this enough: the answer for Helpless Parents is not yet another program, another book, another method, another parenting curriculum. It is simply the local church doing what the local church is supposed to do and individual Christians doing what they're supposed to do. Are you the Helpless Parent? Seek the Lord, go to Him faithfully in prayer, study His Word, find a church that proclaims the Word of God, and seek out godly parents who can teach and encourage you. Do you see young mothers who are struggling? Older women, if you meet the qualifications of Titus 2, offer to teach and guide them. Friends, walk alongside them, love them in practical ways, encourage them, learn with them, and pray with and for them. Older men, disciple and teach their husbands. Pastors, proclaim and teach the Word of God faithfully that your flock might be quipped for every good work--especially that of raising the next generation to the glory of God.
copyright 1996 by Rebecca Prewett
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