How Does Homeschooling Affect Marriages?
Rebecca Prewett

Common marriage issues (for Christian marriages):

• Vision--do both spouses share the same vision for the family?
• Establishing/recognizing authority and spiritual leadership
• Submission
• Mutual support and encouragement; teamwork
• Division of labor
• In-laws
• Finances
• Time
• The comparison syndrome

While the general issues are common to many marriages, the specific issues are often played out a bit differently in homeschooling marriages. (Some of these areas overlap.)

• Vision--what do you do if one spouse wants to homeschool but the other doesn't? What if one spouse isn't as excited about the whole idea as the other one? What if they don't agree as to curriculum, teaching styles, educational philosophy, etc.?
• Establishing/recognizing authority and spiritual leadership--who is really in charge of the homeschool? Is Daddy the "helper" or the leader? Who do the children see as being in charge? ("Well, we call Daddy the principal to make him feel important, but he really doesn't do anything and Mommy is the real boss of our school.") What about the disinterested Dad? ("Sure, hon, do whatever you want...") Who teaches Bible? Who handles the legal aspects of homeschooling?
• Submission--What if the wife feels convicted that sending her children to public school would be sinful, yet her husband wants them to go? What if the husband is convicted that they should homeschool, but the wife thinks, "No way am I going to do that...."
• Mutual support and encouragement; teamwork--Does the wife feel as if she bears all or most of the responsibility for the children's education? Does the husband feel left out or as if his wife is no longer supporting him in his own efforts towards the family? Are they working at cross-purposes or working together in unity? Who does the wife turn to when she is discouraged about homeschooling? If the husband cannot/will not encourage her, where should she seek encouragement--and does he support or hinder her in this?
• Division of labor--is homeschooling being heaped onto Mom's already full plate? Is she expected to do it all--everything she did before plus this new responsibility also? Should the division of labor change? What is the husband's role in terms of lightening the wife's load?
• In-laws--what if the in-laws are strongly opposed to homeschooling? How can the husband ease the tension and protect his wife and children?
• Finances--Homeschooling often brings about a financial crunch, especially if the wife gives up her job to stay home, or if the children were previously in public school (where curriculum and materials were "free"). How does the couple deal with this?
• Time--how does the Mom manage her time? What activities does she need to cut back on in order to homeschool successfully? How does the husband need to manage his time differently? How can the two find time together? What about "alone time" for the mother, when she is able to relax, unwind, and even pamper herself? How does she find time to do things like errands, hair cuts, doctor appointments, etc., when the children are home with her all day? How does she find time for fellowship with other women?
• The comparison syndrome--Husband thinks (and might even say): "Mrs. X has 9 children, designs and sells her own curriculum, sews matching outfits for the whole family, does all her cooking on a once a month plan, keeps her house spotless, and always looks trim and feminine--why can't my wife be like her?" and the wife thinks, "Mr. X teaches his children Bible, Science, History, PE, woodworking, and buys his wife flowers every week--why can't my husband be like him?"

Then there are two additional issues, unique to homeschooling, that might arise:

• The Gregg Harris syndrome--Husband announces, "Hey, hon--I just went to a Gregg Harris seminar and caught the vision that you and the kids should start a home business as part of school and--once you've got it going well enough to support all of us--I'll come home and take over!" The wife (pregnant, changing the toddlers's diaper, planning dinner, supervising chores, and correcting a math paper all at the same time) thinks, "Help! Why doesn't someone just lock that Gregg Harris up??!!!" [said jokingly; I have been greatly blessed by Gregg Harris]
• Transition to homeschooling issues--if the children have been in institutional schools, everyone will have a lot of adjustments. The mother may be giving up her job outside the home, and will certainly be coping with a lot less free time and a lot more responsibility. Different family members may have different issues and challenges.

Unique blessings of homeschooling:

• parents become more family-centered and more home-centered
• teaching Scripture and doctrine to children causes parents to study more diligently together
• parents begin enjoying their children more
• the attitude of children as blessings often leads to larger families (homeschooling families are statistically significantly larger)
• children grow closer to their parents and respect them more
• parents are challenged to live out a godly marriage and life before their children (who are in contact with them far more than they would be if they were in institutional schools)
• the shared vision of the parents grows, further uniting them
• parents learn to give up selfish and unprofitable expectations and plans, focusing instead on raising/teaching/training the next generation
• in the establishment of a godly household, parents often remove or curtail distracting and harmful influences, replacing them with time spent together as a family
• parents develop long-range goals, planning a heritage and legacy extending to the next generation and beyond
• parents rarely lack material for interesting conversation
• facing challenges together increases sense of unity and commitment
• roles within family begin to approximate more closely the Biblical roles

 

copyright 1995 by Rebecca Prewett

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