Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms.?

Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss:
Why, Who, When, How?
by Rebecca Prewett

Why

When I was a child, I was taught that all married people and all adults over the age of
21 were to be addressed by social title and surname. The idea of calling an adult by
his first name was utterly foreign to me.

However, times have changed. Some see the fact that many children now call adults
by their first names as evidence of not only disrespect but great moral and social
decay...or a sinister plot on the part of secular humanists. Some have called for the
return of social titles for adults as fervently and passionately as one might call for
national repentance and revival.

Others, however, remain unconvinced. Is calling an adult by his first name, especially
when he has asked a child to do so, a sign of disrespect? Does saying "Mr. Smith"
cause a child to respect an adult more? Do children really need reminders that adults
are adults and children are children? Is this merely a cultural issue or one of Biblical
morality? Is there a valid reason for returning to the social customs of a generation or
more ago?

Who

What those who call for the return of social titles fail to mention is that this was never
just a child to adult issue. I also remember adult women in the neighborhood who
would never have dreamed of calling my mother by her first name unless she asked
them to do so. Everyone past school age, it seemed, was called by surname and
social title by everyone, until such time as someone extended the invitation to be on a
"first name basis".

Thus, before we jump on the social title bandwagon, we must ask ourselves whether
we want to turn back the etiquette clock or whether we merely want some method for
children to show respect to adults.

When

When are social titles appropriate? The old rule of thumb was that you used social
titles and surnames for adults and "girls of a certain age" until the other person asked
you to call them by their first name. However, today some social title advocates do
not like this idea. Thus, they have taught their children to respond this way:

Child: Hello, Mr. Smith.

Mr. Smith: Please, call me Hank.

Child: Yes, Mr. Smith.

Supposedly, they think that their child has been taught to respect adults. However, the
child has really been taught to disregard completely the adult's wishes and to treat
him with an amazing lack of respect while pretending to be polite. Imagine the
following:

Child: Hello, Hank.

Hank: Please, call me Mr. Smith.

Child: Yes, Hank.

We would all think, "What an impudent child! How rude! What a brazen lack of respect!
What an affront! What nerve! Who does that kid think he is!" In both cases, the sin was
the same--the child refused to respect the wishes of the adult.

When I was in college, I went to work for a man I'll call Bob Smith. I was the youngest
employee in the office and quickly observed that no one called the boss "Mr. Smith".
Finally, after a day of hearing "Mr. Smith" from me, he took me aside and said, "I want
you to call me Bob. Really, I insist." However, I couldn't bring myself to do so. This man
was older than my father! And "Bob" sounded so flip, so lacking in dignity and
formality, so casual--especially considering this man was the president of the
company. He finally forbade me to call him "Mr. Smith". So, I adopted a strange
compromise and always referred to him as "Bob Smith".

Today, looking back, I realize that my problem was not that I had too much respect for
the man. My problem was that I had too little respect; I put my own comfort ahead of
his wishes.

How

So, how shall we handle this issue of what our children should call adults? There are
several possibilities:

Get an old etiquette book, from whatever era you find attractive, and do whatever
it says. Bring back "Miss" and "Master". Use these social titles yourself. Look
politely surprised whenever an adult calls you by your first name and say coolly,
"I don't recall our having ever been formally introduced and I certainly don't recall
our being on a first name basis, Mr. Jones."
Adopt the rule of "All children must call all adults by their social titles and surnames
no matter what the adult's wishes in the matter might be." But, be honest in this
and spare other adults any sanctimonious explanations of how you are teaching your
children to respect them. Admit openly, "We really don't care what you want our kids
to call you. All we care is that the little stinkers be put in their place for once and for all
and learn that they don't have the right to call adults by their first names."
Teach your children to call adults by social title and surname unless the adults request
otherwise. This is true respect. It is far more important to teach our children to defer
to one another in a godly manner than it is to teach them social conventions found
nowhere in Scripture. But don't stop there. Teach children to call everyone by the name
that person prefers. This simple rule will not only teach children to respect people of all
ages, but it will end for once and for all ridiculous exchanges such as:
Samantha: Hi, my name is Samantha.

Jane: I bet everyone calls you Sam.

Samantha: No, everybody calls me Samantha.

Jane: I'm sure you won't mind if I call you Sam.

Samantha: Actually I prefer Samantha.

Jane: Well, I'll call you Sam! I like it much better.

No matter how poor Samantha might insist that her name is not Sam, Jane will
persist in calling her that. Having suffered myself at the hands of those zealots who
wish to rename others, I know how annoying it can be.

But--I can hear the social-titles-at-all-costs advocates arguing--how will your children
show respect to adults if they call adults by their first names? Precisely by calling them
whatever the adults wish to be called. This is the first step of respect. However, there
are many other areas where a child can show respect for adults, such as offering his
chair, opening doors, speaking politely, etc. (For further discussion, see "Should
Children Respect Adults?")

If we think that a child simply cannot respect an adult unless he uses social titles and
surnames every time he addresses that person, we must consider whether our
children can respect us when they call us names like "Daddy" or "Mommy" or "Pop-
Pop" or "Mumsie" or whatever rather silly-sounding term of endearment they might use
for us. Think about it; the term "Daddy" doesn't exactly sound like a title of great
respect. While we probably wouldn't want our children to call us by our surnames,
wouldn't the need for respect demand that they call us at least something more
dignified such as "Father" or "Mother"? I say this somewhat facetiously. However, we
must remember that if our children can call us "Mommy" with the utmost respect,
certainly they can call another adult "Bob" with respect as well.

The Problem of "Ms."

Some social title advocates dismiss "Ms." out of hand as a feminist invention designed
to undermine marriage. Others think it hearkens back to the Southern social title of
"Miz". This has been debated rather hotly.

Personally, I sneer at "Ms." and would never use it for myself, because I like the idea of
people knowing that I'm married, especially since I'm expecting my sixth child.
However, when I was working in the business world, I greatly appreciated the use of
"Ms." It neatly and efficiently solved a perplexing problem: older women in the office
told me about the great lengths they had to go through when writing a business letter
to a woman to find out her marital status, lest they horribly offend her by guessing
incorrectly. One told me about making about a dozen phone inquiries and finally, in
desperation, calling the woman herself to inquire as to how she should address the
letter.

The simple solution to the problem of "Ms." is to teach our children to respect adults'
wishes as to which social title they prefer. If they are in doubt as to a woman's marital
status, they can use "Ms.", sparing everyone from the sort of humorous but awkward
exchange a child once suffered:

Child: Um, um, may I ask you a question?

Me: Yes, what is it?

Child: I, uh, don't know much about you, you know. And I want to talk to you,
and I know your last name but--are you married?

Me: No. (I wasn't at the time.)

Child: Oh. (Looking confused for a moment.) Does that mean I'm supposed to
call you "Miss"?

Allowing our children to say the word "Ms." will not corrupt them or turn them into
feminists any more than calling an adult by his preferred name will turn them into wild
hooligans incapable of treating adults as they wish to be treated.

"But, Rebecca, don't you realize that you are proposing a lowering of
the standard? And don't you realize that this lowering of the standard
is what got our society into the mess it's in now? Aren't you just buying
into the same sort of arguments put forth in the 60's?"

Excuse me, but that's Mrs. Prewett to you. Seriously, I'm proposing a higher standard,
one built on true respect rather than a mere show of respect. I think that I, as an adult,
should be able to decide what name I prefer that others call me. I think that you, as an adult,
should respect my wishes enough to teach your children to call me by the name I prefer.

Frankly, my own preference, were I in charge of establishing a code of etiquette for our nation,
would be to revive social titles for everyone. Bring back "Master" and "Miss"! But I wouldn't
stop there; I would alter the English language so that there would be a polite form of address
and a familiar form of address. Frankly, I think Americans are far too informal in this area.
Basically, I would transfer the social customs of my maternal grandparents' time and culture
into our culture.

But--and I'm sure everyone is relieved--I don't have that power. Since this is America in the
1990's, it would be ridiculous for me to teach my children to curtsy and bow. Part of being
a Christian within a particular culture means that we must be sensitive to others within that
culture instead of trying to impose our own manufactured etiquette on others. True respect
means that we will adopt--unless this would force us to sin--the social conventions of our
culture.

Respecting others is not sinful. Let's teach our children true respect, rather than teaching them
an arrogant disregard for the wishes of others.

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