Should Children Respect Adults?
by Rebecca Prewett

"The problem with kids nowadays is that they don't respect adults."

We've all heard statements such as this. Certainly we don't want our children to be
disrespectful, but do we really want them to respect all adults?

Respect is defined, variously, as to view or consider with some degree of reverence; to
esteem as possessed of real worth; to esteem or honor; to treat a person with esteem
or honor; to hold in high or special regard; to admire; to treat with propriety or
consideration; etc. Before we decide whether or not we want our children to respect
adults, we must decide exactly how we are defining respect in this instance.

However, more important than that, we look to the Bible to discover what guidelines
God has given us in this matter.

What the Bible Says

Leviticus 19:32 shows that standing when an older person enters a room is more than
just a cultural pleasantry: "Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the
elderly and revere your God. I am the Lord." Nothing in the context of this implies that
this instruction was given specifically to children; in fact, the surrounding verses are
obviously addressed to adults (dealing with issues such as not allowing one's
daughter to become a prostitute).

The Ten Commandments teach that we are to honor our parents.

Deuteronomy 28 details the curses that will come upon the nation of Israel if they do
not obey God, including in verse 49 and 50 that they will be besieged by a nation
which "shall not regard the person of the old, nor show favour to the young".

Proverbs 25:6 deals with showing respect for kings and "great men". However, the
next chapter states in the first verse that "honor is not seemly for a fool" and, in verse 8,
warns us not to "give honor to a fool". (The Biblical definition of a fool is not some sort
of well-meaning, ignorant bumbler, but someone whose folly leads him to rebellion.
Thus, "the fool says in his heart that there is no God".)

Romans 12:10 exhorts us to treat one another with brotherly love "in honor preferring
one another". Philippians 2:3 encourage us to "esteem each other better" than
ourselves. I Peter 2:17 states, "Honor all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor
the king." I Peter 5:5 exhorts the elders in the church to feed the flock and be an example to
them, but not be lords over God's heritage. The younger are to be submit themselves
to the elder. (Some commentaries seem to differ about whether this is the office of
elder, or also includes those who are older in the faith.)

From these verses, and others in the Bible, we do not get the impression that God
commands that children, as a class of people, are to honor and respect all adults, as a
special class of people. Like us, they are required to honor their parents, the elderly,
those in authority over them, and "one another"--while not falling into the mistake of
giving honor to fools.

Thus, some parents feel it is more important to emphasize that children are to respect
everyone of every age, giving special honor to parents, leaders and to the elderly.
Others feel that propriety dictates that children treat adults differently in at least some
ways than they would other children; thus, adults are to be awarded either more
respect or a different expression of respect.

If We Want Children to Respect Adults, How do we Define "Respect"?

Until we have defined and clarified exactly what sort of "respect" we mean, we cannot
instruct our children to "respect their elders". Do we want our children to revere,
esteem, admire, and hold in high regard every person who has attained the age of
21? Or do we want them to treat adults with propriety and consideration while growing
in discernment of who is truly deserving of admiration? And, do we want them to treat
only adults with propriety and consideration--or do we want them to treat all people
that way?

In our family, we have tried to separate the action of showing respect (i.e., treating with
propriety and consideration) with the attitude of respect (i.e., holding in high regard,
esteeming, or admiring). There are many adults whom we hope our children will never
esteem or admire. I can't think of any Christian, for example, who would want their
child to admire Hitler or Stalin. ("Wow, I really respect those guys!") Further, many of
us would hope our children would not hold in high regard some immoral celebrity.
However, if our child met the immoral celebrity, we might hope that our child could
react in a polite and considerate manner.

How Should Children Treat Adults?

Over the years, demonstrating respect for adults has meant different things in different
cultures. At times, children were not to speak to adults unless the adults requested
them to speak. At other times, children were not permitted to ask questions of adults,
as this was seen to be rude and disrespectful. In our current time and culture,
restrictions such as these are not the norm; nor can they be supported Biblically. Since much of the practical aspects of this issue are matters of etiquette, I consulted
"Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children". She writes:

It is reasonable and wise to require children to address adults with the
appropriate formality of family title ("Aunt Candy") or civilian rank and
surname ("Mrs. Heppzapittle"); to expect them to rise when adults
appear; to refrain from beating them to a seat on the bus and to
surrender one when in possession; to answer their questions and
remarks civilly, even if they are silly or repetitive; to restrain themselves
from inappropriately pointing out their errors and from analyzing what
powers could produce such errors; and so on.

I would add to that list another item: children and young people should show, by word
and demeanor, that they recognize that many adults, by virtue of their greater life
experience, have acquired a greater level of wisdom and maturity. An unteachable,
know-it-all attitude is rude at any age.

However, Miss Manners also writes:

It is neither wise nor reasonable to expect children to think that adults
are, by definition, smart, right, or admirable. Such an attempt will quickly
lead a child of even average powers of observation to the conclusion
that at least one adult, the one who makes this claim, is either dim-witted
or mendacious...A child who is never allowed to betray the belief that any
adult has done anything wrong is one who will quickly lose interest in the
idea of being among such deluded fools.

It is up to us as parents to consider exactly what social conventions we will require of
our children in regards to their interactions with adults. I would suggest consulting a
good etiquette book about guidelines concerning such matters as introductions, who
shakes hands with whom, formal versus informal modes of addressing adults, who
helps whom in being seated at the dinner table, who gets out of the car first, etc. if
these are important in your family or in your social circle. It is far more important,
however, to be sensitive to how the adults in your child's life wish to be treated by him.
This is true respect. It is far more important to teach our children to defer to one
another in a godly manner than it is to teach them social conventions found nowhere
in Scripture. (For expanded discussion of this, see "Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss: Why, Who,
When, How?")

But Shouldn't Children Respect Adults as Authority Figures?

Some people teach that adults are, by their very adulthood, authority figures and thus
deserving of respect. As a child, I held to this view. While I knew that I didn't have to
obey an adult who told me to do something wrong, I did think that all adults
everywhere were in the position of being able to tell me, a mere child, what to do. Perhaps
you want your children to think the same thing.

If so, I would ask you where in Scripture you find this sort of teaching. God has placed
parents in authority over their children. Many believe that even the authorities of the
government and the church are not to interfere with the godly authority of the parents.
If we really believe that all adults are in authority over all children, aren't we falling
prey to the sort of "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child" philosophy being espoused by
Hillary Clinton? Is it that big a leap from "all adults are authority figures over our
children" to "the State, representing all adults, is the ultimate authority figure over our
children"?

There might be times when, for a specific reason, we will delegate some of our
authority to another adult. "Now, Johnny, while you're in Sunday School, I want you to
do what the teacher says." However, we must be careful and discerning of whether
such delegation of authority is wise or not.

Does this mean that I am advocating that we teach our children that they can
disregard any word of correction or instruction that comes from another adult? Am I
saying that, if an adult tells my child to stop running down the hallway, my child has
the freedom to disregard the adult, or even to announce, "I don't have to obey you"?
Hardly. In this case, the issue is not so much that an adult is issuing an instruction, but
that my child is being reminded of a safety rule. Or perhaps my child is being warned
not to be disruptive. Perhaps he is simply being requested to stop doing something
that someone finds annoying. He should react to this in a gracious manner,
recognizing that his behavior was wrong or, at the very least, annoying. Hopefully he
would respond in a similar manner if a child corrected him.

Teaching our children that all adults are authority figures puts the child in a vulnerable
position. If this is how you want to raise your children, consider the entire matter
extremely prayerfully. Be careful that you are equipping your child with the ability to
disobey any authority that would be in violation of God's commandments, as well as
the ability to discern whether a seemingly innocuous request might possibly be
leading to a situation that would be sinful. Be careful that you do not ever allow him to
come in contact with an unscrupulous adult who would abuse that authority and harm
your child physically, mentally, or spiritually. Decide whether or not you want your
child to be forced to submit to the whim of every adult who asks him to do anything,
even if it is something that would make your child feel uncomfortable, frightened, or
humiliated.

A Few Examples

My mother had finished baking some of our favorite Christmas cookies. These took a
lot of work on her part and the ingredients were a special treat, given our limited family
budget. She rarely left us with babysitters but that afternoon, she hired a babysitter
to watch my younger brother until my older brother and I were both home from school.
Before she left, she offered the babysitter a cookie.

I arrived home to a babysitter who was happily munching our Christmas cookies,
while largely ignoring my baby brother. She urged me to partake also. Obediently, I
observed my mother's pre-holiday-one-cookie-per-day- rule, despite the babysitter's
urgings that it was perfectly all right to indulge myself. Then I watched, aghast, as the
babysitter devoured all of the cookies, one after the other. I felt helpless. I couldn't tell
her to stop eating them; she was an ADULT! I couldn't think of a polite, respectful way
to say, "You're eating up all of our Christmas cookies" because, after all, children
aren't supposed to correct authority figures or suggest they are doing anything wrong.

After the babysitter left, I showed my mother the empty cookie container. She was
amazed at the babysitter's gluttony as I related the whole story. "Why didn't you tell her
not to eat so many?"

I was shocked. "But...I couldn't...tell her what to do!"

She sighed at my lack of gumption. "Well, I hope that at least you ate as many as you
could. After all, I baked them for my family, not for her," my mother laughed.

"No, Mama, I didn't! You told us we could only eat one!"

My mother used this as a teachable moment and as a way of freeing me from my
misconception that respect for adults meant that I was helpless to protect myself, my
property...or my cookies.

In junior high, one of the teachers often made some rather lewd remarks about his
female students. This distressed the girls greatly. However, since he was an adult and
a teacher besides, his victims felt powerless to do anything. They didn't think they
could say, "I find it offensive when you speak to me that way. What you're doing is not
right." Nor did they think that they could report him. Even worse, they felt compelled to
obey him when he asked them to stay alone after class, even though they knew they
would be subjected to what would today be called "sexual harassment". They decided
that the problem wasn't his--after all, he was an adult--but was theirs; they were simply
too prudish and uptight. So they continued to suffer humiliation and distress at the
hands of this teacher, all the while feeling guilty about their "immature hang-ups".

While I had learned, from the infamous cookie incident, that I didn't need to be
helpless in the face of all adults, I was still too in awe of the authority of teachers. Thus,
on the first day of one of my classes, when my teacher screamed at me during roll call,
"I hated your brother and I can tell I'm going to hate you!" it never occurred to me that
this man had no business treating me in such a manner. I simply sat there, cringing in
silent dread. It never dawned on me that I should register a complaint against him.

A mother related an incident involving her little boy's visit to the doctor. At one point,
the doctor wanted to examine the boys' genitals and ordered the boy to take off his
underwear. The boy informed him, "No. That's private. I'm not going to let you look
there." The doctor snapped impatiently, "I'm sure it's OK with your mother, so take off
your underwear." At this point, the mother was quite unimpressed with the doctor's
manner. However, she assured her son that this exam was appropriate. "OK," the son
said. Then he turned to the doctor and said in a far more polite tone than the doctor
had used, "But you should have asked permission first, you know. You didn't respect
me."

The mother was quite pleased that her tiny son, when faced with a situation that he felt
was wrong, was able to stand firm in the face of a rather intimidating adult. She was
also pleased that her son had learned the lessons she had taught him about
protecting his body, about privacy, and about respect for everyone, regardless of age.

Some might argue that a child, especially one barely out of diapers, has no right to
demand respect from an adult. I would counter that no one has the right to demand
respect from anyone. I'm not sure if the child was demanding respect in this instance;
it seemed to me that he was explaining his refusal to obey the doctor and submit to
something he thought was inappropriate. Further, he was trying to maintain some
human dignity in a situation that makes many adults uncomfortable.

How to Teach Our Children to Respect Adults

Once we have decided on what level or type of respect we want our children to show
adults (or anyone else for that matter) we need to begin the teaching and training
process. Some believe that this is best done in the form of rules and regulations. "So
and so is an adult. Thus, you are to refer to him as Mr. So and So. You are to let him
eat first at every meal. You are never to speak to him unless he speaks to you first.
You are to answer his questions with 'Yes, sir' or 'No, sir'. You are never to ask him
any questions unless he requests that you ask him something." etc. Others believe
that respect is best modeled. If we show respect for the adults in question, our children
will follow our example. If we teach our children to put the needs of others ahead of
their own ("You have younger legs, so you should give up your seat to an adult" "You
have stronger legs, so you should give up your seat to a smaller child") and teach
them to be polite to everyone, while being sensitive to the ways in which adults wish to
be treated, our children will learn what is expected of them.

As our children get older, they will learn that different adults have different
expectations of children. Some adults expect that polite children will refer to them as
Mr. Smith; other adults will expect to be called Joe. It is up to us, and our children, to
learn these varying expectations and to honor these requests. Some adults really
don't wish to interact with our children. In that case, we might remind them, "Mr. Smith
is coming to dinner tonight. He thinks that it's rude for children to talk too much. I'm
going to ask you to be especially quiet unless we invite you to be part of the
conversation." Another adult might think it impolite if our children didn't tumble all over
him the moment he came in the door, clamoring to tell him their latest escapades.

Sound confusing? Wouldn't it be easier simply to have one set of blanket rules? It
would be simpler, certainly. However, it would not teach the real lesson of respect.
Respect is not simply following arbitrary rules that will make one appear "polite". We
are not respecting someone if we are not honoring their wishes. We are not teaching
respect if we say, "Yes, I know that you would like for our children to be part of the
dinner conversations. But we think it's really important for them to learn to respect
adults--and the best way for them to learn that is by observing the rule 'children should
be seen and not heard'. So, I'm sorry, but we simply cannot let the children talk at
dinner. I hope you understand."

Teaching Our Children How to Deal with Disrespect

Unfortunately, our culture suffers not just from a lack of civility and propriety towards
adults, but a lack of civility and propriety in general. Thus, one of the lessons we need
to teach our children is how to deal with the disrespect they will encounter from adults.

In extreme cases, our children need to know self-defense--when it is appropriate to
scream, flee, struggle, or take other action.

In other cases, it might be more appropriate for a child to say, "You're making me
uncomfortable. Please stop. I'm going to tell my parents."

Our children need to be taught when to say, "I wish you wouldn't speak to me like that"
or "I don't think I should be talking to you about this."

Rude and intrusive questions can be responded to with a polite, "Why don't you ask
my mother?" or even "Why do you want to know?"

Insults to the child himself are usually best ignored. Insults to a sibling or to the child's
parents may need to be addressed. "I'm sorry, but I don't like it when you talk about my
father that way." To demand that the child simply nod politely when someone ridicules
his father is asking far too much, in my opinion.

A sense of humor is valuable in shrugging off the sort of offhand rudeness that many
adults dish out. Thus, it is often best to shrug and smile at such comments as, "My,
you've got big ears", "How many kids are in your family? Your poor parents!", "I never
did like freckles and I see you've got lots of them", "You sure are skinny, aren't you?",
"That dress of yours is ugly. Did your mother make it?", "I hear you're adopted. I
wonder why no one else wanted you", "Too bad you're so short", etc. My children see
me react to taunts about our family size (we "collect" the more outrageous ones and
laugh over them afterwards) and I hope that I am setting an example that will help
them respond graciously to similar remarks, even if their response is polite
silence. Taunts and teasing can be politely endured for awhile. But, if it goes too far, the child
should have permission to say, "I really don't like this sort of play. Please stop."
Perhaps he can also say, "You're hurting my feelings" although this might backfire by
provoking the adult into even worse teasing.

Our children need to be given permission to refuse, politely, to kiss, hug, or sit on the
lap of an adult, should the child not wish to do so. We need to defend the child's right
to such a refusal, rather than urging, "Oh, come one, be polite--just one little kiss! Now
be a good little girl and give the man a kiss! What's wrong with you?" Often the child
has a really good reason for not wanting to do so. Furthermore, do we really want to
teach our children that physical acts of affection are meaningless and are to be
dispensed indiscriminately to anyone who asks?

Our children also need to be encouraged to tell us about any instances where an
adult treats them inappropriately. They need to know that, even if they are intimidated
or threatened, they are to tell us immediately, especially if they were told they were
supposed to keep whatever happened a secret.

And, when adults complain to us about supposed rudeness on the part of our children
("I couldn't believe how rude your little boy was! I offered him a snack and he
refused!") we need to defend them when appropriate ("I'm sorry if your feelings were
hurt, but my son was obeying my wishes. He told me that he said, 'No, thank you'
several times as politely as he could. He felt frustrated that you kept insisting that he
eat the snack, because he isn't allowed to eat that. I know that you don't know our
house rules, but I really wish that you wouldn't be so insistent when our children say
'No, thank you'.") If an adult complains that our child did not return his greeting, it
might be appropriate for us to say, "Well, she really doesn't know you that well and
we've taught her to be cautious around strangers. Plus, she's rather shy. She really
wasn't being rude. Once you get to know each other, she'll feel more comfortable
talking to you."

Of course we don't want to excuse actual rudeness on the part of our children. ("That's
the way all children talk these days!" "If you think that's bad, you should hear how the
kids on TV talk!" or "I think you're making a big deal out of nothing.") But justice should
compel us to defend our children when they have been wrongly accused, provoked,
teased, etc.

While we probably wouldn't intervene in every squabble our children have with one
another or with other children, conflicts with adults are a different matter. There is an
inherent imbalance of power in such conflicts that, if we have any heart for the justice
and mercy of God, we simply cannot ignore. Thus, we might say, "Yes, I agree that it
was very rude for Johnny to scream at you and call you a big bully. I'm really sorry that
he had such an ugly outburst. We're going to have a serious talk about it and I'll make
sure he apologizes to you. But, when I came into the room, I saw how you were
treating the baby and I heard her cries of fear. I also saw that you didn't stop when
Johnny asked you--in fact, you didn't stop until I shouted your name. I simply cannot
allow you to treat any of my children that way. We've taught Johnny that it's bullying to
do that to someone who is smaller than him and he was trying to protect his baby
sister. I know that doesn't excuse what he said or how he said it." In another instance,
we might say, "Yes, Johnny was wrong in making the sort of jokes he did about you.
However, for you to grab him and throw him to the ground was going too far. We're
going to have a serious talk with Johnny and we hope this sort of incident will never
happen again."

Many times, children have a built-in sense of fairness and justice. It is often difficult for
them to understand why they must apologize to an adult, while the adult will not
apologize to them. This can be a teachable moment: our children must learn to do the
right thing even if everyone else around them persists in doing what is wrong.
However, we must not fall into the trap of whitewashing the adult's wrongness, merely
because of his adult status. ("Well, you have to apologize because what you did was
really wrong. But Mr. Smith doesn't have to apologize to you. After all, he's an adult.
Besides, you were the one who was the most wrong. You're right, we don't let you do
what he did. But it's different, because he's an adult. Besides, it's not your place to
decide whether adults are right or wrong.") We need to remember that we are raising
children to be adults someday--and we hope that they will learn not only the necessity
of apologizing to children, but the necessity of treating children with fairness,
compassion...and even respect.

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